In this strange city, I am continually pondering on death.
Not desiring death but being conscious of death.
I won’t be here forever. This moment also will be gone as if it’s never existed. And I will be either.
Then I feel an affinity with this city where I stay a while, where I live the moment as if I live for eternity.
Do I feel at ease in this strange city as I have lived like a fugitive from familiarity?
My family, society, and country. I have felt fear and distance from what I should have felt comfortable.
The pressure that I should appreciate the familiar things which are given to me. Reluctance to accept the notion that those familiar things consist my identity.
I have tried to escape from my identities which are tagged on me even before my existence. Or, instead, I would say I have been attempting to escape from negative connotations which are labeled on my identities.
In other words, I didn’t want to be a minority. Venerable, naïve and weak, always being exposed to other’s hatred helplessly. To avoid the hate, I denied myself, tried to be someone else and escaped from reality.
After all, however, are all of those attempts in vain?
In this strange city, what I have learned is not a mere defeat that I should accept some of my social status as a minority.
In this city, I have learned a way to distinguish I defined in social context and I as myself, and a way to accept and support myself.
Was not easy. Numerous nights with tears, I was tempted to a desire to obey the society, and a desire to flee to reveries. However, with a stronger belief that I will be a better person, I will figure out a way to accept myself as I am, I trained myself to be my own advocator.
Besides all, I desired inner peace, halting the inner voice which used to be other’s criticism but I have embodied for a long time. To live a life which the present is not a curse. To retrieve my stolen present.
Now I am.
Still escape to reveries sometimes, be afraid of unclear future, and get mad to my weakness. However, I do not abuse me any more, try to build a new and healthy relationship with myself, and do all of my best to ground myself.
To build a solid ground in a gaping abyss.
This strange city is unfamiliar as ever.
However, the thing is I want to stay here longer.
Even though after I become to be familiar with this city, I would love here.
I am not afraid of familiarity nor myself anymore.
Someday I would leave in this city as I have never existed before, but I will live the moment as if I live for eternity.